Scaredy Student
Trevor Mlait
Screaming in excitement Jim ran around his house with a piece of paper in his hand from the Winner’s Circle Entertainment. Jim ran into his mothers arm crying with amazement. Out of 500000 kids Jim won. Jim was an ordinary boy with ordinary thoughts. He was 11 years old living at home with his mother. His father left 3 days he was born. He never met him in his short 11 year old life. The draw was a trip to Hawaii. The package included a 3 day long cruise there and back and all you can eat at the famous ALL YOU CAN EAT RESTUAUNT. Jim and his mother started packing. His mom was tall with long blonde hair and dark blue eyes.
Jim woke up the next morning at some breakfast and got on their way to the docks, where they would set of into the ocean. Jim hated water. When he was a young boy he fell off the docks of his old house and almost drowned. Luckily there were a bunch of people there to save him. They started walking on to the ship and the first thing on the list was swimming. Jim didn’t know what swimming was because he didn’t want anything to do with water. Surprisingly he didn’t even drink water. Jim got changed into his shorts. A man came running in and grabbed Jim carried him to the pool and tossed him in. Jim started screaming for his mom. His mom came running to him picked him up and ran him to the bedroom they were staying in. The next 3 days he sat on his bed and did nothing. When they got off the boat another one of the activities was scuba-diving. Jim didn’t know what that was either. His mom told the guy doing the lesson to tie a rock to his foot so he can’t get out of the water and not do anything for the whole vacation. When they were about to leave they went to the restaurant and filled up on food. The boat they took went way of the Hawaii Island where the reefs were. The scuba diver instructor tied the rock around Jim’s foot and pushed him off the boat. He sank down to the bottom and was yelling but no one came to his aid. His mother told the man to try and make him love the water. He sat down on the bottom of the ocean for 2 hours looking at all the wonderful creatures and fish. All the coral was as colorful as a rainbow. Jim found out he loved the water. The diving instructor dived down and pulled Jim up. His mom was looking into his eyes. Jim said to his mom, “Thank you.” He gave his mom a huge hug because now he wasn’t afraid of the water. Jim and his mother enjoyed the rest of the trip swimming and doing all the things in the water.
THE END
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
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its good so far
ReplyDeleteI FOUND IT TO BE PRETTY SWEET AND ALSO IT WAS A GOOD LENGTH NICE JOB BLOODY MARY
ReplyDeleteA great start - lots of vivid details and fairly strong organization-wise. A few parts in the middle and end need work - how likely is it that your protagonist has raised himself? Remember, you need to be creative AND logical... Also, the ending seems unfinished. What do you mean by possessed? Be detailed here...
ReplyDelete1 - needs work
It was a good story, other than the ending could use a little bit of work.
ReplyDeleteCool. Great story. Could use work at the end.
ReplyDeletePS. did you ever do the bloody mary thing in the bathroom? Also it is a type of drink that has a lot of alchohol.